{"id":89213,"date":"2026-07-09T00:01:00","date_gmt":"2026-07-09T06:01:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.opinionpublica.tv\/portada\/?p=89213"},"modified":"2026-07-08T18:34:47","modified_gmt":"2026-07-09T00:34:47","slug":"my-awful-mother-is-getting-alzheimers-what-do-i-owe-her","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.opinionpublica.tv\/portada\/my-awful-mother-is-getting-alzheimers-what-do-i-owe-her\/","title":{"rendered":"My awful mother is getting Alzheimer\u2019s. What do i owe her?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"My<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I am the eldest of three middle-aged siblings and by far the most stable. Our parents divorced when we were young, and both were neglectful and emotionally abusive. My mother once kicked me out at 17 because her boyfriend told her to choose between him and me. My siblings have always been closer to her, and she has always favored them. In my 30s, I managed to establish a distant but civil relationship with both parents. I see my mother about once every two years and speak to her roughly once a month.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now in her 80s, my mother is showing signs of Alzheimer\u2019s. Her husband recently told me that if he dies first, I will be responsible for her care. I don\u2019t think I can do it. The thought of having her live with me makes me physically sick. My siblings are unlikely to help. Since that conversation, almost a year ago, I have thought about this every day. What, if anything, do I owe my mother? \u2014 Name Withheld<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

From the Ethicist:<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Let\u2019s hope that the boyfriend who got your mother to kick you out when you were a minor isn\u2019t the husband who now thinks he can command you to take care of her. Nobody has the right to ask this of you. We may owe something to those who raised us, but we have no duty to abandon our own lives to look after them, especially when they failed in their parental duties.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tell her husband that you\u2019re not going to take on her care and that he needs to make the necessary preparations. He should consult with an elder-care lawyer, identify the local Area Agency on Aging and arrange advance directives and other long-term plans while your mother still has the capacity to participate in those decisions. A trustee to manage her affairs once he\u2019s gone should be appointed. These are things you can suggest to him, anyway. They are not things you need to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Readers Respond<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The previous question was from reader who wondered whether her husband should tell his best friend that they can\u2019t stand his wife. She wrote:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My husband\u2019s best friend is married to a woman who is an eternal victim, a compulsive liar and a horrible gossip. \u2026 Her husband has accused mine of being distant, at times even hinting that he\u2019s a social climber for not wanting to hang out with him and his wife. \u2026 My husband is a very nice man and a people pleaser, and I hate the fact that his friend has made him feel guilty. Do I encourage my husband to tell his friend the truth? Or do we (as two couples) just continue to silently grow apart? I feel that my husband owes it to him as a friend to explain that his wife is someone we do not want in our lives. Right now it feels as if we\u2019re in this awful holding pattern, and I want to find a solution. \u2014 Name Withheld<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In his response, the Ethicist noted:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

What would be the result of the frank conversation that you evidently seek, even though you don\u2019t propose to initiate it yourself? Will the man vigorously agree and, energized by the revelation, start divorce proceedings? Or will he be loyal to his wife, as one would expect of a loving spouse, and respond by cutting off ties with your husband and you? I\u2019m guessing he will choose loyalty, and I\u2019m guessing you would be fine with that outcome. But what about your husband? He\u2019s the one with a close friendship at stake. Suppose your husband told his friend that he values his company but that their wives don\u2019t get along (if that\u2019s the situation), or that the couple dynamic has become uncomfortable (if that\u2019s more the size of it) and he would rather see him one-on-one. \u2026 This woman might well be as difficult as you suggest. But before you urge your husband to speak on behalf of this \u201cwe\u201d you invoke, make sure that \u201cwe\u201d is truly the right pronoun.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2b25<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of my<\/strong> very dearest friends married someone I couldn\u2019t stand, and over the years it became clear that all of her friends felt the same way about him. Back at the beginning, I decided to tell her that while I desperately wanted to maintain the friendship, it would have been remiss of me not to tell her what I saw \u2014 a deeply unhealthy relationship. The day I was planning to tell her this, she announced their engagement. And I decided I was too late. Twenty-five years later she is finally free of him, and she is amazed at all the stories similar to mine that she is now hearing. We will never know how it might have worked out differently if some of us had spoken to her about this early on. \u2014 Romeo<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2b25<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I agree<\/strong> with the Ethicist that encouraging your husband to have a quick \u201cOur wives don\u2019t get along, so why don\u2019t we just hang out one on one\u201d conversation is the way to go. That allows him to maintain his relationship with his best friend, and eliminates the awkward dinner parties. Not all friendships need to be couples-based. The ability to maintain our own identities, friendships and interests is a wonderful part of marriage. As secure adults, isn\u2019t it one of the great joys to say: \u201cNah, I\u2019m good to sit this one out. Have fun!\u201d \u2014 Amanda<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2b25<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These two couples<\/strong> are not married to each other. They are free to go their separate ways at any time. Why collect injustices? Life is short. It\u2019s a big pond out there. Find other friends to socialize with. It\u2019s not as complicated as you make it seem \u2014 when the negative outweighs the positive, you don\u2019t stick around! \u2014 Joel<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2b25<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is absolutely<\/strong> nothing to be gained by telling the husband\u2019s friend that his wife is the problem. He will certainly not ditch his wife, nor can he make her change into someone else. Letting the husbands continue a one-on-one male friendship, which is probably how it started, is the wisest course and solves the problem. (And the questioner needs to back off from encouraging her husband to speak for both of them.) \u2014 Samantha<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2b25<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Ethicist hits<\/strong> the nail on the head. The letter writer, and not the \u201cdifficult\u201d other wife, is the problem. Why not decline the next few invitations and tell her husband to go alone if he chooses? There needn\u2019t be a great clearing of mind and soul \u2014 just a polite decline and a wish that they enjoy their evening. And if the letter writer\u2019s husband doesn\u2019t like the other wife either, shouldn\u2019t he, as an adult, figure out what to say to his friend? \u2014 Lisa<\/p>\n\n\n\n